Alexander "peter bjorn" Fadin Every session in Kingdom Come 2 is a unique masterpiece, not just because of the brutal realism and unforgiving medieval setting, but also due to the sheer absurdity that unfolds at every turn. Below are some of the craziest side quests I’ve encountered while wandering through Bohemia.
These tales contain no spoilers for the main storyline, only quirky adventures that highlight the game's unpredictable charm.
Laboring for Troubadours, Only to Receive a Terrible Song
In the heart of the map lies the small town of Želejov, home to a luxurious bathhouse, a fistfight arena, and a decent tavern. Among its patrons sit two lazy troubadours who dream of conquering Bohemia with their "epic" songs. Unfortunately, they lack funds, an instrument, and any clear artistic direction should they draw inspiration from noble ideals or beautiful women?
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Determined to help these aspiring geniuses, Henry embarks on a series of tasks. First, he steals a lute for them (risking arrest and tarnishing his reputation). But the musicians immediately snap its strings, demanding new ones made from sheep intestines. Each step forward brings another hurdle: once the strings are ready, it turns out the bards owe money to the innkeeper and refuse to work off their debt, claiming it’s beneath their genius to carry sacks.
After hours of running errands across Bohemia, the troubadours finally have everything they need an instrument, freedom, and inspiration. Their reward? A mind-numbingly dull song glorifying Henry's mundane exploits: stealing, butchering sheep, and hauling bags. The locals grimace at the absurdity, and Henry facepalms hard enough to leave a mark. Meanwhile, I couldn’t stop laughing!
Rescuing an Alcoholic Hunter... and Delivering Him Straight to the Tavern
Remember those musical strings for the troubadours? They require crafting by a local hunter named Vojtěch. There’s just one problem: Vojtěch is a drunkard who wandered into the woods, stumbled upon a pack of wolves, and climbed a tree like a clumsy acrobat. Naturally, during the rescue attempt, he falls and injures his leg.
The intended path involves carrying him back to camp, saving his horse from bandits, and helping him sober up. In return, Vojtěch would become a loyal ally, teaching survival skills and aiding you whenever needed. But what if you decide to honor his wishes and deliver him straight to the nearest tavern instead?
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I did exactly that, trudging through forests, swamps, and uneven terrain with Vojtěch slung over my shoulder. Upon arrival, however, he wasn’t pleased. “What kind of help is this?! Where am I? How do I get home with this injured leg? And what about my horse? You’re an idiot!”
Vojtěch refused further assistance and limped away grumbling. Our next encounter was even more memorable; he greeted me with a scowl and offered the finest view behind his shack as compensation. “It’s the best I can offer,” he muttered bitterly.
Confronting the Polovtsians, Only to Philosophize with a Dog
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In Kingdom Come , the Polovtsians are villains responsible for razing Henry’s hometown and slaughtering his family. So when they showed up in a tavern causing trouble, my blood boiled. Armed with righteous fury, I marched toward their encampment ready for vengeance.
But things took an unexpected turn. Instead of ruthless marauders, I found friendly guys eager to socialize. Within minutes, I was matchmaking one of them with a gypsy woman. Ten minutes later, we drank all the alcohol in the camp. Fifteen minutes after that, we were belting out a bizarre song together.
Just as I was getting into the groove, a talking dog interrupted us. He began lecturing me on life’s purpose, pushing me toward greatness. Inspired, or perhaps tipsy, I accepted his challenge and attempted to swim across a lake on a dare, triggering the quest “Don’t Drown!” Somehow, I survived, though not without uncontrollable laughter throughout the ordeal.
Going Rogue as a Thief and Paying the Price
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By hour 30, I had mastered the art of stealth and burglary. By hour 31, I became Public Enemy Number One across Bohemia. How? A single botched heist. Disguised in black attire, I infiltrated a guard barracks, looting expensive armor from locked chests. On my way out, a random passerby noticed me but didn’t intervene directly is no big deal, right?
Wrong. The next morning, a guard stormed into my room. “We’ve lost valuables, and witnesses saw you lurking around last night. Empty your pockets and prepare for chains!” Miraculously, I talked my way out of it, realizing too late that I hadn’t removed flashy accessories or washed off the stench clinging to my clothes. It wasn’t the theft itself that gave me away it was the evidence left behind.
Have you ever seen such meticulous attention to detail in another game? Neither have I.
Selling a Stolen Horse and meeting Gypsies
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One moonlit night, I spotted a valuable horse grazing in a field. With the owners asleep, I hopped onto the saddle and galloped toward the gypsy camp. Mikolaj, the resident horse trader, loves buying stolen goods. Perfect match, right?
Not so fast. Mikolaj was sleeping, and dismounting caused the horse to bolt back home before I could tie it up. Determined, I left the game running overnight to wait for dawn. When Mikolaj finally woke up, he spent ten agonizing minutes eating porridge, licking his spoon, scratching his belly, and muttering under his breath. Eventually, I managed to sell the horse but, not without learning a harsh lesson: in Kingdom Come 2, even minor escapades evolve into hilarious misadventures.
Why Kingdom Come 2 Stands Out
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These anecdotes barely scratch the surface of what makes Kingdom Come 2 so special. Every decision, no matter how trivial, has consequences that ripple through the world in surprising ways. Whether you're rescuing drunkards, philosophizing with dogs, or narrowly avoiding arrest, the game delivers endless entertainment. Its commitment to realism and immersion ensures every playthrough feels unique, making it a must-play for fans of open-world RPGs.
Bohemia awaits!
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